There is no hiding the idea that people who practice these alternative physical relationships can develop unhealthy emotional and sexual habits; but who is to say that these ideas emerged within the psychiatric world? In fact, there is little evidence to suggest that there are any mental imbalances that create these desires. If practiced with communication, these behaviors can't be healthy and enjoyable for those involved.
According to Planned Parenthood’s The Health Benefits of Sexual Expression, “The surge in oxytocin at orgasm stimulates feelings of affection, intimacy, and closeness with a sex partner.” The people that take part in the lifestyles of swinging, polyamory, and sex positivity use sex, parties, and other events to gain friendships as well as increase intimacy with their lovers. It goes without saying that sharing your romantic partner with others isn’t for everybody. But those that indulge in swinging, i.e. couples that agree to have sex with other people, either together or alone, can exemplify physical urges while meeting new friends and remaining within the agreement of a relationship.
The philosophy of Sex Positivity is that any consensual sex between partners is a positive and beautiful thing. You can find this school of thinking at a Sex Positive LA orientation, one that sits above an antique furniture store with an unmarked entrance that greets you with a staircase, leading to what seems to be somebody’s home. Though, arranged for an event of this kind, it appears to be frozen in its appearance as a meeting room. It’s hard to imagine people eating on the couch that the speakers talk in front of.
Despite the creepy, creaking stairs that lead to the room, the vibe there is welcoming, non-intrusive and undoubtedly positive. The members of the SPLA take turns speaking in front of the room, informing newcomers on what their group does. SPLA treats consent as the most important aspect of their collective. Over-stepping boundaries is detrimental to their lifestyle; such caution is necessary to keep viewing “all consensual expression of sexuality as healthy. The orientation is more of a continued invitation to take part in the group’s events, which range from innocent hang-outs to full on sex parties. Their orientation promotes a positive environment “where everybody is welcome to let their freak flags fly.”
Newport Beach psychiatrist and sex therapist Michael Smith uses a similar rhetoric. Engaged with patients with sexual issues daily, he doesn’t find many swingers, polyamorists or advocates of sex positive in his office. “There’s not enough people that have a problem with that,” he says about the people that participate in alternative sex. “They don’t need a therapist.”
The North American Swing Club Association reported that 15 percent of American marriages take part in swinging, and according to Smith, these people are not coming to sex therapists. “It’s not cheating if you both agree.” Therefore, "If it's people that both enjoy it and they're both consenting adults, there is no problem."
Both the participators in these behaviors and the Doctors that work with sex therapy both use a positive vernacular when describing these ideas that are usually dismissed as taboo. But, he says, by taking a real look at what is going on, you can see that most intentions are genuine and it works for the people that communicate how they feel to all of those involved. “The only time it’s a problem, is when you break the rules.” Smith too expresses that boundaries are extremely important in order to avoid harming anyone involved. “You gotta have rules going in,” he says. “It’s not for everyone.”
But those who can communicate their feelings with one another to avoid making others feel uncomfortable or overstepping boundaries, can enjoy each other in a positive and healthy sexual environment.
Can Sex Positivity Be Harmful?
SPLA & Sex Therapist Michael Smith
by Ryan Beitler
FLOG THE PAIN AWAY
Therapist Kate Loree explores the healing potential of BDSM
by Jared Alokozai
One of the tenets of sex positivity is the absolute inclusion of all forms of sexual expression, ideologically eliminating any preconception of “normal”. But, in your practice, do your clients in alternative relationships form a sort of bell curve where one or two dynamics are fairly common or prevalent? (perhaps even normal?)
My practice is pretty much 97% sex workers, kinky, poly, porn stars. Every now and then, I’ll have a transgender client. The folks that come to me, in terms of polyamory—that identify as non monogamous or poly—are your traditional married couple with a hierarchy, their spouse being primary and their boyfriends and girlfriends following that.
I’ve been working with people who’d gone through sexual abuse for about a decade. I work with a team in a hospital facilitating group therapy, where a lot of clients have trauma and sexual molestation history.
I guess my purpose in life is to reduce sexual shame.
Notably the APA revised the pathologization kinks and fetishes in the DSM V, deeming proclivities that do not elicit distress or angst are perfectly healthy. What role does psychiatry and psychotherapy have in clinicalizing or mediating the public’s erotic lives?
The field of psychology has played a big part in shaming this practice. It wasn't too long ago when the DSM, the bible of psychiatry, said that you were mentally ill for your private preferences. But the field is slowly coming to realize that many healthy individuals and couples engage in BDSM safely. Irrational doubt seems to be instilled in people by society. Some people outside of the BDSM community assume that if a male is a Dominant,he must be abusive. And, if a female is a submissive, she must be a victim or weak, as setting the women’s movement back 40 years.
The reality is often the polar opposite of that stereotype. For instance, many subs, both male and female, have high power jobs and cherish being able to escape their stressful responsibilities while under the control of a Dom. With this thought in mind, perhaps you’ll look at our politicians and CEOs a bit differently now.
The BDSM community does not condone non-consensual activities. Instead, BDSM is an erotic expression that may or may not include sex and involves the consensual use of bondage, intense sensory stimulation, and fantasy power role-play. Discipline is played out within the context of dominance and submission, and those roles they map out.
Do your patients who survived traumatic experiences find some solace in spaces that a BDSM scene sets up? It’s intensely vulnerable, highly sensory, and seems like it must require thorough negotiation and rules, especially when playing with a trauma survivor. How can someone go about exploring BDSM without hurting someone else?
BDSM is an intense practice, precisely because it is one of intense connection. To quote Lee, the main character in the BDSM themed movie, Secretary, “I feel more than I’ve ever felt and I’ve found someone to feel with. To play with. To love in a way that feels right for me.”
As a psychotherapist, I can only back BDSM community members who set the safety bar very high, especially as their activities become more extreme. No one should ever require medical care (beyond a small Band-aid) and the ideal is psychological healing rather than damage. In terms of its impact trauma, at its best, BDSM could provide a beautiful and powerful healing experience. At its worst, a BDSM experience could be completely re-traumatizing. For some people with trauma histories, BDSM should be entirely avoided and is too risky. If triggered, a person with a trauma history could go into a panic attack or a negative dissociative state. If the sub goes into a negative dissociative experience, the dom could interpret that state as perfectly normal sub behavior. For others, simply negotiating a scene in advance and weeding out potential triggers might be enough.
So let’s talk about the potential for healing. Trauma is stored inside of us as a body memory. Some schools of psychotherapy like Somatic Experiencing and the Trauma Resiliency Model
work to reprocess and release that bundled trauma. Similarly, BDSM play can produce a healing emotional release and provide a corrective experience. Some subs have described amazing corrective experiences that help them rewrite their original trauma. Their play might be loosely reminiscent of the trauma, but the scene creates a new and positive outcome. This new outcome begins to rewrite the original damaging body memory.
There are some standards that I uphold as prerequisites to safe, sane, responsible BDSM practice. One important foundational skill is high emotional intelligence, intuition, and ability to be honest. Another is the practical knowledge of equipment and gear that they’ll be using, and their effects on the body. Knowledge of the body’s physiology and its limitations is absolutely necessary, as is knowing the limitations that state law might have on a scene.
Most importantly is that a solid relationship must be established between the participants. Trust and love can open avenues to healing our minds, bodies, and spirits.